This is a shout out to all of you 40+ers who are in long-term committed relationships. I have an important question to ask you. I’ll give you 10 seconds to come up with your answer. Here we go:
When was the last time you and your partner spontaneously (like completely out of nowhere) had mad, passionate sex?
One…two…three…still thinking? Four…five…six…got it yet? Seven…eight…nine…So? TEN! Time’s up. If you are still scratching your head, desperately trying to think back in time, yet coming up with a big fat nothing, don’t stress—you are in very good company! In fact, I’d be willing to bet that most of you couldn’t remember your last truly spontaneous romp in the hay. But perhaps a more important question to consider is, why do we care so much about spontaneity? And even more importantly:
Why do we allow ourselves to wait for spontaneous sex?
Think about it, almost anything that truly matters to us requires some level of planning, preparation, and scheduling: We make plans to get together with friends and family. We set and manage deadlines for work-related projects. We make all kinds of arrangements for our kids—childcare, playdates, homework, teams, programs, etc. We manage our finances in preparation for buying a home, paying college tuition, or planning for retirement. We take care of our health by seeing our doctor and dentist regularly, exercising, and planning healthy meals.
In all areas of our life, we plan to make things happen. So, if your sexual relationship matters to you, you will need to prioritize, and dare I say it…
PLAN to have sex!
Stop, waiting for sex to happen spontaneously. When life gets busy, as it invariably does, it is so easy for sex to fall to the back-burner. If you wait for sex to “just happen” spontaneously out of the blue, in all likelihood, you will be waiting a very long time. Instead, set aside a day and time each week that is your intimacy time with your partner. Give it a special name—one of the couples in my practice coined the name “Sexy Good Times”! Mark it off in your calendar and truly protect it—try not to let anything else get in the way. Make sure you choose a day and time when you are likely to have some energy—don’t choose late in the evening, or at the end of the work-week when you are likely to be totally zonked. Plan ahead so that you can have some privacy and limit disruptions (turn off your phones, keep the dog out, etc.). Get yourself into a more relaxed and erotic frame of mind. Make a practice of transitioning from your regular hectic daily grind into more sexual headspace: light some candles, put on some sexy music, read a passage from a steamy book, take a shower or bath…be creative and have fun!
So, start giving your sex life the time, space, and priority that it deserves…you deserve it! If you create a regular context for great sex, you are more likely to have great sex…regularly!